Friday, February 3, 2012

Wild blue yonder

Yesterday was a low day. Don't know why. It could have been a number of things:
  • Cumulative fatigue. I love riding my bike, but I'm tired.
  • My back still hurts. That issue cannot become chronic. It just can't.
  • My neck and shoulder were hurting more yesterday. Whiplash, the gift that keeps on giving!
  • I'm riding alone almost 100% of the time, which means it's up to me to come up with the route every day.
  • Some adult company would be nice once in a while.
Effort and time are needed to find people to ride with and to set up a new gym membership. The classes provide variety and make it so I don't feel the need to ride every day.
  • It has been really sunny and warm here in California. Yesterday was bright sun all day long. (Brutal, right?) Post-TBI I find summer and summer-like days very irritating. Too much light and it can't be turned off.
  • As a result I'm not sleeping well. Melatonin works but in the morning I'm groggy.
  • Yesterday I got the first email from my manager at work. She says they are working really hard but managing without me. My position was not backfilled. Ouch.
  • A brain injury is invisible and so is the progress toward healing. What do I have to show for 6 months off work?
Right after writing that last bullet, I realized I HAVE been feeling more clear lately.
  • It was my dad's birthday and I miss him. Would have liked to have been there. He's a hoot and seeing him usually cheers me up.
  • I miss paychecks. Money going out, no money coming in. No solution for this right now...
I'm reading a book on managing (because now I have time to read books people recommended when I was a manager). It uses the metaphor of mountain climbing to describe becoming productive and comfortable in a new role at work. I can climb Montebello 10 times in a row, but there's no work mountain for me to climb. Today that loss is front and center.

The same book talks about how some people are self-starters. These are the people who reset at zero every day. Every day they have to accomplish something more, and it doesn't matter what they did yesterday. They don't feel they can stop until something new is accomplished. I was laughing out loud, because this is me.

So this is 3 years into a brain injury, at a point of maximum uncertainty. Lost along the way are my job, social relationships, financial well-being, confidence. The climb up the mountain began 3 years ago, but the grade gets steeper and the weather more severe. Where is the top?

Our greatest strengths are also our weaknesses. I need to be patient now and trust that a larger-scale project is what we have here, more than just the accomplishments of one day.

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